Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
