i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize