I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
