I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
