my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
