Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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