Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
