Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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