I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
