my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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