i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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