pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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