wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
