I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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