I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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