I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
