Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
