You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
