If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
