I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i think my cat just said my name.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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