i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
