Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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