***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
