Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize