i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
