ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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