I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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