There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
