he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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