Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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