i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
