I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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