She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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