I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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