can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
