The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
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