but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
