So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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