I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i would punch a child for taco bell
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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