I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
