Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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