I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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