Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
