The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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