i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Someone came in the potted fern
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
