just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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