worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
