I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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