You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
