If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
