I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
