i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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