I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
