Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
